So, I haven’t posted on here in a while, but this is a very personal poem to me that, whilst I can’t share it with those in my life, I felt compelled to share with someone. It’s a poem about loving someone, a very specific person, and all the false narratives that come with that. As such, I am reviving this website to put it here. Hope you enjoy 🙂
– Alkhi
I stare down the street in front of me, a sky outside that’s darkening.
My impatient feet tapping on the pavement in front of me, and you’re supposed to be here before sunset, so we can have the pepperoni pizza I made.
Wait, no, you don’t eat pork.
The dim streetlights that illuminate the side street
branches off in front of my apartment
and the setting sun as my heart twists
Waiting for your lips, a ghost on my face
and then finally
A pair of headlights in the orange sky
Wheels that turn into relief
it settles in my chest
You’re here, finally, it’s been too long,
It’s been two weeks and two hundred miles, two faces too far.
You park in front of my street, parallel park, you need time, but I’m impatient.
Your window is dark as I run up to it
because of course – it’s dark, no sun
but I would recognize your gray Nissan anywhere. I think.
But of course, I will lean down to look into your car window, because I’m desparate for your face as you roll down the shades, and your hair is still wet because you showered before your prayer.
Wait, how fast does hair dry?
“Hey, easy here,” you try to crack a joke, but it’s your voice that cracks instead, because we haven’t seen each other in so long, because of the longing in our hearts, the impatience of waiting to finally relax into each other’s embrace, to bring you to the intimacy of my home.
And I watch you get out of the drivers side of your car, and it’s all too much, and it’s relief then, it’s of finally having you be mine, it’s seeing the shadows on your chin and underneath your eyes, it’s of your warmth and of your love, of me in your eyes and the energy and simple youth as I run into your arms, and you hold onto me, at last, because that’s how it feels to be here, in your arms, and that’s how happiness should feel, with your lips on mine.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A cabin in the middle of the woods.
It’s just the two of us
We’ve shunned our responsibilities,
We’ve shunned the time
We’ve escaped our death,
And her.
It’s just the two of us as we always wanted.
We became immortal,
We became vampires
So that we could be here
So that we’re eternal, so we could do what we wanted,
So that we had each other.
And I’m painting in the living room,
And you’re in the kitchen –
Or wait, we’re vampires right now, so we don’t have to cook. Sorry. Whoops.
And you come into the room now, and in your hand is something –
A plate- no, a cat- aw, no, we can’t have cats. A… I don’t think we can have technology, so…
Okay, maybe there’s nothing in your hand, but you’re coming over to me anyways, sitting to watch me paint, to explore my love, to explore your love
To explore the love that I couldn’t have, because she’s not here now,
And we can just pretend, I can show you what I’m painting
I can smile at you, at you who fills me up,
The spark of energy and the liquid contentment
I can guide your hands on the brush, not afraid of the spark that ignites between our fingers,
we can go back to our bedroom (which we share),
We can get undressed,
lie down together,
Hold each other and smile
Because we have all the time in the world
Except
we don’t
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The single light of a lamp in the living room
You lay in my bed, you say that you’ll stay awake, you’re so affectionate
But that’s a lie,
Because your eyelids are closing even as you wait for me.
And I look at the painting, squinting my eyes
It’s of you, but it doesn’t look quite right
Because I can’t decide – is it bright splashes of color?
Is it the black and white of charcoal
Or is it a sad painting, the one that describes how my heart aches now
Thinking about this?
And I look over at the door, and I know
I need to go to bed soon
Because it is late, and my eyes nearly close as I stretch
I get up, walking as I let my hair down, and it falls over my shoulders in waves
– not her curls –
As I open the door, and I see you there,
Lying on your side in my bed, covers half over your form
Lamp pointed at your face,
Peaceful on your love
Phone in hand,
Eyes closed
You stir a little, raising your head
Dredged in the soft coat of sleep.
I smile.
“Fell asleep again?”
You mutter something in response through half asleep eyelids, unintelligible.
Something warm wells up inside me,
Soft and intimate
Knowing that you were waiting for me.
And you open your arms to me now,
A moment between two lovers,
Something inside me whole as I walk over to you now, climbing onto the sheets now as you close your arms
Except a bird chirps outside, a cacophony of tweets, and no
I wanted to kiss you right now instead.
Damn birds.
This wasn’t supposed to be how it was
So rewind back to when I’m walking towards you,
And you hold your arms out,
And I can see myself now from your eyes,
Messy hair, oversized shirt and the little pajama shorts,
And you must think I’m beautiful,
Like her,
Right?
And I watch myself lean forwards now, your hand coming up to the back of my neck as we kiss,
And I feel my face grow hot, a kiss of desire,
Your lips skillful on mine
You know it too, a smirk on your face as you pull back,
And I’m mesmerized by this moment as your hand catches the hem of my shirt, and I climb on top of you, your hand drawing up my spine
An artist with a paintbrush on the canvas of my body.
Except wait, we need to go to bed, and I’m really tired.
So instead, I pull back, rewind, skip a beat.
And now instead, I pull away from our kiss early, reluctantly,
Knowing that I only have this moment with you,
But this is what’s appropriate,
What I’d do.
And so instead, I climb into bed now,
A perfect scenario between the frantic kisses and the immediate sleep,
And I settle between your arms,
Back pressed to your chest,
Your arm under my neck,
Hair nestled against your cheek
I sigh because of the contentment,
Of the way that I fit into your arms,
Perfectly, safely, the way that I’m meant to be here,
Because that’s what I say it is,
Even as my heart aches,
Knowing that we’re running out,
Knowing this isn’t how it is.
And you finally relax, me pressed to your body.
I look at the light, and it’s still on, and I would turn it off
But then you reach over my shoulder,
And your arm is still around me as you twist the knob
And you sigh now, wrapping your arms around me,
And I sigh,
Close my eyes,
An end to this perfect dream.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A bedtime story at your house (which I haven’t seen, I’m not sure why I’m here)
and I’m reading it to you in my voice.
You could just as easily read it, I’m sure
But you want to hear me
Please say you want to hear me
Your head on my lap
Exhausted from a day on the shift
Eyes closed as you listen to my voice that you loved
That you told me you loved
Sitting on call late at night
And as I stroke your hair,
Reading from my phone,
A new bedtime story that I’ve made just for you,
I can’t believe my luck that you’re finally here with me
Your mind and face in my care, as I’d always wanted, as I’d always needed,
Your words that soothe me, sweet like honey.
And I frown now,
Because I’m not supposed to need you
But then my heart aches,
Looking up at the ceiling of my darkened bedroom as it falls away,
Your smile crumbling underneath my fingertips,
My breathing uneven as a tear falls down my cheek,
The nights that we spent talking to each other, that you held onto me
And I needed you
And I can’t anymore.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dice in my hand now,
D20s and character sheet crumpled under my hand
You sit at the head of the table,
Weaving these scenarios,
Blending into my life,
Your words smooth, like honey.
And you lean forwards,
Smirking as I walk towards you,
And everyone else is gone,
Because I erased them,
Because I made it so.
And as I walk towards you,
I feel something sink in the pit of my stomach,
At this false movie that I direct,
But your eyes are so charming, and I can’t stop myself,
Because I just can’t around you,
You whose words are smooth like honey.
And now you’re sitting on the desk, looking at me as I walk towards you
A vessel for your character, but the lines are getting blurred,
And you put a hand on my neck,
Confident,
Maybe too much so as I lean in,
Eyes on your lips,
Knowing this can’t be good.
And maybe we’re not supposed to be here in this hotel room
The scene suddenly switching
Newlyweds, you’re dancing in the corner
And I know that’s how you’d be,
And now you kiss me in the elevator,
And the doors open to a festival that you lead me through,
Lines blurring faster and faster as the scenarios run together
And the movie cracks, under the burden of everything that I’ve seen,
Falling down as I watch, spinning around,
Credits that drip
Drip down.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A call on the phone, exasperation on your lips
Tears welling in my eyes now,
And I know that this
This is real.
This is real.
I reach out to your face, but it’s so far now,
You’re so far from me,
And you’re not mine to hold,
This isn’t a privilege of mine to hold.
My time has run out,
And we’re back to reality.
And after you end the call, my knees pressed to my chest
Holding them as my illusion breaks,
As I lie in bed on these sleepless nights,
As your words echo in my head,
I know that I can’t do this anymore,
That I can’t do this pain.
And her words echo in my head now,
How you planted these seeds in my head,
How we became companions in the night,
Your smiling voice at the computer, play-acting as vampires,
As Lovers,
When you were unhappy with your own.
And I look up at the ceiling now, the memories flashing through my head, compounding in on one another and running together as my glasses fall away, as the rose tint of your eyes fades out to black.
I turn now, alone in my bed, her face on my screen, a bitter pill to swallow. Her, who’s name you never told me, who’s relationship you told me you were unhappy with, who you ignored to spend time with me, flirting with me, making me your secret lover.
And I know now that you’re not real,
or at least,
not as I imagined you,
not how you live in these picture-perfect reels, falling down and crashing onto the floor, leaking their blood all over my room, tainting it.
And now I’m lying alone in my bed,
Her face on my screen.
You’re just torn,
Play-acting between us,
And she’s not my enemy,
And you’re not my love,
Even if I was
Wishing you were